HOW DID I MISS THIS
Amos & Andrew, the reverend looked a little bit familiar:
It’s amazing/depressing how many fantastic actors work shitty jobs and small roles for years before they finally get a good script.
Amos & Andrew
I consider myself a pretty big movie nerd, especially disposable forgettable movies you’d find at garage sales or bargain bins. This is one of the few Nic Cage flicks that I had never heard of. Never have I seen it on TV, never have I seen the box back when stores existed you could rent things from.. I say this with a strong degree of confidence: Myself and the burly, bored East Indian gentleman sitting next to me on the flight from Denver to Vancouver (when he wasn’t too busy reading Maxim) are quite possibly the only people on Earth who have watched Amos & Andrew in 2012. Here’s the trailer . There’s a reason it’s sort of dropped off the face of the earth, there are hundreds of movies like this. It’s entirely average, with a few notably offensive/weird moments that likely wouldn’t make it past focus groups today.
We begin with a face in the shadows, all familiar trope.. oh ho! It’s Samuel L Jackson looking sharp in specs! Alright, maybe a normal way to introduce Cage awaits.. long montage of a fancy neighbourhood, white picket fences & white faces. Cut to a jail cell and, in a stunning bit of career foreshadowing (and keeping up with the mysterious face —-> BIG REVEAL
Someone is doing upside down push-ups! Did Nic spend some time in a drunk tank? Your noble writer confesses, once upon a time, he had a police enforced rest for the evening. In an attempt to tire himself out, he attempted some rigorous calisthenics so he could get some exhaustion based shut-eye despite the glaring light and snoring obese Pole he found himself interned with. What I thought then, being unaware of this thoughtful examination of race, was a Con Air push-up resulted in a minor head injury and a more realistic evaluation of upper body strength. Our hero here dismounts and the Cage clause is fulfilled as the face is dramatically revealed:
We get a bit of a better look at what type of Cage we’re dealing with when he uses his one phone call to attempt to get a woman to visit him in jail, to provide him with beer. I don’t know what type of operation they’re running on Niagara Island, but they let him have a toothpick in jail. Maybe they’re Razor Ramon fans? Also his hair has a bit of a Trey Parker circa BASEketball vibe.
So back to Samuel L Jackson (SLJ) and he’s in his new fancy house setting up stereo equipment. The score is a lot of flutes and slide whistles, so you just know some hijinks are about to commence.
It’s Mayor Ebert from Godzilla and Jeff Goldblum’s ex-wife from ID4, finally, a coupling giving some hope to overweight old white men that they can land a younger woman! They see SLJ and comment that “when you see a black man with an armful of stereo equipment, you know what’s going on”. They call the police, while SLJ nods off while doing some alarmingly masturbatory reading
The cops arrive in full force, and the kooky dummy on the squad gets ready for “night ops”. I guess they thought this would be a clever reference to Amos N Andy? Ugh.
Anyway the cops call him out of the house, set off his car alarm, then when he points his key to turn it off they all start shooting at SLJ. Officer dummy gets taken to task for his itchy trigger finger and responds hilariously in a manner usually reserved for First Nations people upset at highway litter:
I should also comment the Chief of Police is one of the few mustache horticulturalists that can give Tom Selleck a run for his money, if only in dedication to the art form and not Sam Elliott/Selleckian hirsuiteness. Dabney Coleman, who still clings to his facial hair in Boardwalk Empire:
They realize they’re shooting at the homeowner, so they come up with a scam with petty criminal Nic Cage. The idea being that they will release Cage into the house, claim he’s the one who shot at SLJ, then release him after the fact on a bus, and he can be on his way. I guess they’d claim jailbreak? Cage goes into the house with a police supplied shotgun and takes SLJ hostage. The stupid, stupid idea being that he’ll surrender and then escape. All the gunshots have drawn the press though, so the police decide they’ll just forget the plan and arrest Cage.
Nic asks for a million dolllars and a helicopter in a standoff. CLEARLY Oliver Stone loved this movie, as he stole the shotgun strapped to the neck move pioneered by Cage here. (Natural Born Killers came out the year after) It must be said duct tape is probably more secure than a wire coathanger.
Chief mustache comes in and tries to call his bluff exclaiming “Shoot that **gg**, we don’t want him on this island anyway. (in this blog I’ll be using the N-word censorship developed by 7th Heaven in the episode Got MLK) SLJ bangs him in the face with a frying pan, they tie him up and leave, breaking in to that racist couple’s house. They have a dog named Rommel, a bit odd for a Jewish man to name his dog after a famous Nazi but there you have it. There’s a weird nod to an infamous other movie about racism White Dog which you should check out. SLJ must have seen it because he’s convinced this white dog hates black people. Earlier the couple was blaring Eric Clapton, drinking white wine and smoking joints. Aka having a pretty good time in my estimation:
So Nic partakes, as any reasonable man would presented with such a situation.
He then talks about dogs and racism and how his mom bought him Sea Monkeys.. it’s pretty stupid, but despite being stoned SLJ is into the story. At this point he’s not even really a hostage anymore, it is very unclear why he’s hanging out with this guy. However he reacts thusly to Nic’s stoned ramblings:
That’s the kind of engaged audience a stoner is looking for. Now that he’s high, he decides to go looking for the car keys and just generally creeping around the house. He puts on a suit and tie, then makes a pretty cool face:
He steals the couple’s car. The cops still think both people are in SLJ’s house, and busloads of black activists have made their way across the island to protest.. a black guy getting taken hostage I guess?
This guy made sure to bring two protest essentials. A fucking cool vest and a big torch. He’s not the only one with a torch, the activists begin to suspect the police are lying about the hostage situation, attack the cops and burn SLJ’s house down. I knew those torches would come in handy! There’s a guy with bloodhounds who is searching for SLJ, for reasons that are unclear, the dogs find him, but then he lets them smell Chief Mustache’s police badge so they go bite him. I don’t think that’s how bloodhounds work, they’re not a goddamn chain letter. Oh you wanted to catch me, but look, I have something that smells like someone else wouldn’t you rather go bite that dude? Anyway some other dumb shit happens, SLJ and Cage drive away. Cage is trying to escape to Canada, but then he is shown to be driving on I 95 South and the credits roll!
This is fucking stupid for several reasons. They’re on Niagara Island, and they make fun of Cage because he thought it was Canada. Well, I checked, that Island IS in Canada, and unless we bought it since 1993, his mission would have been accomplished. HOWEVER, CRIMINALS CANNOT FLEE TO FUCKING CANADA. WE HAVE A POLICE FORCE AND AN EXTRADITION TREATY. No one mentions this, and they take great pains to prevent him to getting to Canada. Ugh.
On to the rankings!
Nic Cage Sexuality: 2/10. This is a pretty light hearted comedy with zero sex scenes. He does manage to get himself into somewhat sexual situations though. It’s revealed one of the charges he’s wanted for is contributing to the delinquency of a minor. His defence: “She looked 18” ho ho ho what a loveable scamp! Based on his tattoo I’m sure he’s generous in the bedroom.
Also when he’s in the racist couple’s house and high he creeps through their bedroom, finds some bondage gear, some nightgowns which he deals with thusly
In chemistry class we were taught to waft the smell towards you, it’s dangerous to just bury your nose in there and huff. He has no such qualms, and does this casually in front of SLJ. Then he opens their bedside table:
That says SEX GREASE. Very discreet. I understand the assortment of vibrators, but what the fuck are they getting up to with those multicoloured koosh balls? I don’t understand the sexual function there… Also when he’s hanging out in this house he calls for a pizza, because he noticed a sexy girl delivering one earlier en route to SLJ’s house.
A sexy underage girl, and again this is played as a cute quirk of his, being attracted to jail bait. She comments he’s cuter than his mugshot and gives him her digits.
She has a boyfriend but who can resist a deranged criminal with a shotgun?
Nic Cage Race Relations: 5/10 (at the start of this caper 1/10, but improves to an 5 after some soul searching)
The actual NAME of this movie is based on an old super offensive show about two African American gentlemen named Amos N Andy. It was originally a radio show, then a cartoon, then a live action show. Why offensive? The stars were these dudes
And here’s a little sample of the cartoon. They even reference it at one point when SLJ gets upset when Cage says the title of the movie. SLJ goes “I don’t have time for a history lesson, but don’t say our names together”. If they’re not even going to explain it, why bother? This movie has pretty serious situations, the police shooting at a black guy in his house for no reason.. but it doesn’t really say anything other than Nic Cage is friendly and SLJ comes around to him.
At the beginning Cage is surprised and dubious that SLJ owns the house, and asks if he’s a cook who works there.. yikes. He calls him Bro throughout the movie and is constantly scolded “I am not your brother”. When he politely offers him some weed, he’s told “not all black people use drugs”, but he protests “my black friends all smoke pot”.. bridging the gap with the classic absolute defence against racism! I have black friends! Conversation over!
Cage also comments “I see it all the time, black guys who get rich move on to a skinny blonde with a tit job and forget who they are”. I can’t imagine this child fucker meeting too many rich black gentlemen with white wives. They oddly play it like he does have a white wife, then at the end there’s a big reveal and oh shit he has a black wife! Confusing why they bothered to do that. After Nic helps SLJ escape from the bloodhounds, he drives him to a ferry lineup where he meets his wife. SLJ says he can keep the watch he stole from him (depicted in the poster) and when Cage drops “thanks bro” SLJ says “You’re WELCOME BROTHER” racism is dead.
Nic Cage Freakouts: 2/10. He keeps his composure pretty much the whole movie, except when he’s trying to tie his tie:
He smashes it up over his face and has a minor fit, but by Cage levels its a non-event.
Overall 4/10: It’s really not great, pretty by the numbers stupid movie about racial issues. Doesn’t have much to say, isn’t particularly funny. Cage is somewhat charming, rocks a pretty cool gold tooth. SLJ doesn’t have much to do but be indignant and disappointed in white people.It’s mercifully not longer than 90 minutes not including credits. Apparently there’s a scene at the end with bloodhound hilarity, believe it or not I didn’t stick around to find out.
Ebert says: “Either the humour should have been angrier and hard edged or the filmmakers should have backed away from the situation altogether” and I’m inclined to agree.
A Swedish guy on IMDB gives it a 7 out of 10 and says “it surely works as a great entertainment when you’re tired” and I’m inclined to think that Swedish movies must be fucking terrible.
CLICK ONE TO MAKE PICTURES BIG
“If you enjoyed Top Gun, you’ll have a great time!” Why are you lying to people Michael Medved, of PBS Sneak Previews? Liars go to hell. These fine people, judging by this newspaper advertisment, could have spent their entertainment dollars on Mel Gibson and Goldie Hawn - Bird On A Wire. The movie opened 5th at the box office, so most of them probably ignored Mr. Medved’s web of deceit. This movie was… not great. However, it was, mercifully: eighty minutes long.
I couldn’t find a trailer, but some philanthropist with a heart of gold edited all the parts of this movie that don’t have Nic Cage in them, out. In this clip: (but I’ll warn you, this movie sucks and you probably shouldn’t bother). Its my inclination to look down my nose at whoever took the time to edit that, but like a famous Kraut once said, when you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares into you. I spent about 3 minutes trying to pause the screen and properly capture pictures of Cage wiggling his eyebrows tonight. So that would make me the pot throwing hurtful allegations at the kettle. (BTW, do black pots actually exist? I’ve maybe seen a black roasting pan.. isn’t everything shiny?)
It starts off with a quote from noted luminary and proud father, George Herbert Walker Bush. Full disclosure, I thought it was George Hiram Walker Bush, then I remembered the only person on God’s green earth with the name Hiram is Mr. Lodge. I experienced mixed emotions when searching for that image, I was relieved that I wasn’t confronted with a barrage of incestuous illustrations, then strangely offended for Hiram, why have the perverts given him the short end of the stick? Egads!
Bush is talking about how America is going to take the gloves off and go in and fight drug cartels. Cocaine, you’re in trouble! Helicopters! So it opens with a shady and mysterious pilot…
Hmm… looks pretty ordinary… reasonably striking profile… gazing in the distance.. if only there was some light….
EVERY GODDAMN MOVIE HE DOES THIS. hides in the shadows, gazing pensively, then boom, looks into camera and the hero is revealed. Ok so they’re dicking around in Latin America, as the USA is wont to do, with consistently excellent results, when…. SCORPION! and I don’t mean this guy! Although he is equally swarthy and latin. It’s this bro!
He blows up some choppers and Nic is upset, gives some briefing about revenge to some stuffed suits who like his moxie. For some reason the drug cartels have decided they need a mercenary chopper attack pilot to protect them, given how expensive those choppers are it seems like an awful lot of fucking eggs in one basket. You know how normal people deal with choppers they don’t like? They shoot them with rocket launchers. Relatively cheap, you can just hide in a mountain or whatever. Afghanistan v Russia, didn’t they see Rambo III? Or drive a car into them, that works too if you’re Bruce Willis. Rise of Planet Of The Apes, a goddamn gorilla took one down. But hey, sure, go ahead and buy some stupid chopper and hire this dude to fly it.
Tommy Lee Jones is in this and he’s so boring I didn’t even take any pictures of him. Tom Skerrit spits on this performance. He’s the grizzled old great chopper pilot imparting wisdom such as “you’ll be busier than a three peckered goat”. Logistically, I don’t think that goat could handle more than one female goat at a time, so that metaphor is flawed. TLJ also insists on calling it a heeeelocopter. Ugh.
Wouldn’t be a Top Gun ripoff without a poormans Kelly McGillis and Fire Birds does not disappoint.
Laces out! Ebert tells me that her and Nic Cage were an item. Predating Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck a la Gigli it goes to show that real life couples often have zero chemistry on screen. The Nic Cage sexuality ranking later is not going to be pretty. She’s fallen on pretty hard times recently, celebrity rehab shows, making a goddamn fool of herself at awards shows, finally forgiving horses as a species for the time she fell off of one, broke her arm, and lost the part of Vicki Vale in Batman.
Time for a training montage!
THAT IS JUST A LOOP OF WIRE! IT IS NOT TRANSMITTING DATA TO YOUR EYE! lots of stupid video game puns… Nic gets to stretch out and be entertaining in this scene a bit, throwing pearls before swine with this dialogue: Shoot em, Blast em, Nab em, Grab em, Shake em, Bake em, Cook em, Clean em, Hose em[ed: ????], Broil em, Kick em, Nab em, Twist em, ALL GONE BYE BYE!!! He’s more excitable during the training than any other part of the movie.
Time for the trainees to cut loose and let their hair down. Except you, Sean Young.
This guy knows what I’m talking about. Nic claims this bar is likely to be full of scandalous women, and strippers. Showing some much needed respect with that conjunction to the strippers, they’re not all scandalous. Cage knocks out some dude who won’t let him cut in with his babe, she’s not impressed, but he thought “it was pretty cavalier actually”. I’m inclined to agree, despite her protests that she isn’t:
A) a piece of steak to be fought over
B) Jane of the jungle
Not to disparage Nic’s taste in women but I’d rather have a piece of steak or hang out with Jane than Sean Young.
Nic drops some very suggestive eyebrows here, tempted to file it under the sexuality portion of the review but they don’t work out for him so they belong here:
Then there’s some more tragically boring shit with Tommy Lee Jones being old and wishing he was young, he boxes Cage, Cage houses him (he really was pretty jacked back then). Cut to TLJ moaning in bed, his wife teasing him, then TLJ drops this bomb.. “IT’S NOT LIKE MY DICK GOT SHOT OFF… although maybe you should check”. While she’s looking down his pants he drops his OWN EYEBROW WIGGLE! they’re the same! She gets, what I can only assume after the quick cut, a professional seeing-to.
Cage is drinking in a bar, and a news report comes on to remind everyone that cocaine is bad and we should go kill south americans. This is described as a suspected crack house… Eagle-eyed viewers will note the clue:
OK fuck that’s too small but someone spraypainted crack house on the door. Also on the side of the house it says “I can’t live without crack”, kind of a cool way to let people know about your hobbies!
There’s some really lame shit about Nic having the wrong eye dominance for the stupid loop of wire that doesn’t do anything, so he almost fails training because he can’t focus with his right eye. Time for hijinx to train that eye!
What you see here, is the stupidest goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. To train himself to use his other eye, he is driving a car with a periscope attached to his head. At various points of the scene the viewing part of the periscope finds itself nestled next to his nose, on his cheek, and on his forehead. Even when it is where his eye would be, THE PANTIES (their commanding officer’s wife’s panties, it is hilariously revealed when she drives up next to them… how… why…. is the only purpose so that Cage’s buddy can crack “I always told you, you looked great in red panties”. It’s not that funny) ARE OVER BOTH HIS FUCKING EYES!! you know what you’d do to train your eye? WEAR A NORMAL EYEPATCH ALL DAY. you don’t need to drive you certainly don’t need a periscope, and at no point should the undergarments of your employer’s wife enter into the equation.
He takes Sean Young out into a weird abandoned mansion where they drink wine and have some of the worst sex committed to screen. To be discussed later. Then they find out oh man it’s finally time to kill some evil drug dealers! In Argentina! Wait… what? So to Nic’s chauvanistic chagrin, the girl is on the mission as a scout! How to respond… how to respond…. yell? good… but need to bring some physicality into things.. throw off your not even mirrored cheap ass shades?
No, not in the budget… some sort of physical demonstration….
ANGRY HIGH KICK!!! Then there’s some really stupid shit, TLJ and Cage talk about how they joined the army to be heroes and kick ass (really) and while they’re verbally fellating (definition: to perform fellatio (on a man), what no love for transgendered? check yourself dictionary, it’s 2012!) each other, SNEAK ATTACK! But Japan is so far away??? NO it’s the mercanary! they go up in the air, long story short, TLJ crashes, girl goes to check him out, he sighs “both my legs are broke” with all the emotion of someone who got a “SORRY TRY AGAIN” on a $2 scratch ticket. She pulls the missle off the helicopter and shoots it like an RPG and blows up a jet. She says “snort that sucker”. Ah yes, cocaine. I totally forgot, although the people they’re killing are mercenaries, the drug dealers all surrender once their helicopter and jet are shot down. MAYBE JUST BUY SOME GUNS AND ROCKET LAUNCHERS NEXT TIME BOYS. Is shooting a missile from a grounded chopper off your shoulder possible? i don’t know and I don’t care. Cage shoots his nemesis. This movie sucks. The end.
Nic Cage Sexuality: 3/10.
He does have sex, but it’s with this woman
And when they do she keeps that facial expression the whole time but closes her eyes and does that thing where she’s sitting in his lap and puts her chin on the top of his head a bunch while grinning. Yeah, that old scorcher, keep that one in the arsenal ladies! How does he get her there? Ohhhh he interrupts her doing her laundry by sliding along the floor like a 10 year old boy
tells her she looks sexy in that skirt, she’s not impressed… what does a guy have to do to get a woman’s affection on this army base?
Oh yeah, wait til she’s leaving then notify her that you stole her underwear. She tells him “you can keep those” and he is super happy about it. Gross.
Clearly the studio felt there was no chemistry between them so there are lots of lines of ‘witty banter’ that were recorded in post production and added in over shots of them getting into helicopters (NO HELICOPTER NOISE, they would have to be screaming in each other’s faces, and driving around). Lines crackling with erotic passion during their training flight such as: “i’ve got a spectacular view of your tail” “Oh, you’re my scout? perfect.. you only have eyes for me” “You look like you’d like me on top” “your brains are in your cockpit” “get a hold of myself? Don’t worry darling, I’ve got a really good hold of myself”. After the lesson on eye dominance he says “i learned something else about dominance” and steals a smooch! this immediately leads to sex. In the post coital bliss he says “i know a great creek around here where we can swim sans clothes” YOU ALREADY HAVE HER NAKED why do you want to risk wildlife??? This movie sucks
Nic Cage Race Relations: 3/10. The start of the movie is him training some South Americans, teaching them how to fly helicopters to look around for drug dealers. They are all played by white dudes… but hey look out..
He could be latino! Regardless he gives a really impassioned speech about the bravery of these nondescript latin country army guys fighting evil cartels and how much he is their friend and how badly he wants to kill people. No condescending racial stuff so I can’t really drop him below a 3, but this is one of the only non white people in the movie. There is a black general but he’s only seen on tv.
Nic Cage Freakouts: 4/10. Pretty disappointing. There’s a pretty good one when he’s training but it’s more celebratory than a freakout.
He does make this face when his latin friends are shot down
And he gets all sweaty when his eye dominance doesn’t work out
But mostly he’s calm and confident. Boo. This movie sucks.
Overall: 2/10. Boring and shitty. Siskel & Ebert (mostly Ebert) look awesome and agree
Really came out of the gate hot with Vampire’s Kiss. This one was not fun. And I have Guarding Tess coming up. It looks like a light-hearted romp….?
I’m back. And Cage sure as shit didn’t go anywhere, he was right there waiting. I know I said the next movie would be Rumble Fish.. I reviewed it but it’s sitting at home somewhere, that’ll come later. To summarize that movie, Mickey Rourke is really cool and really sweaty, Diane Lane is a stone cold fox, fish are colourful, and heavy handed West Side Story allusions are lame. I’ll expand on that later. Let’s focus on this cinematic delight. Here is the trailer, but don’t fret. There are far better clips available on the internet, which really let this performance breathe.
CLICK ONE PICTURE AND THEY ALL GET BIG
They don’t make them like they used to. Nic made this right after his star-making turn in Moonstruck. I guess he was hell bent on destroying any good will he built up with female audiences in that performance. He mentioned not wanting to be a pin-up after his experience working on The Boy In Blue (still sitting at home.. I’ll get to it) So he apparently embarked on a quest to make a rape trilogy, first this, then the safari/rape tour of Africa that was Time To Kill. I haven’t seen Fire Birds yet, it looks like Top Gun, but shitty and with helicopters. I’m guessing no rape there, but Zandalee might be the Return of the Jedi of the forced sex triumverate.
It’s going to be tough to get through the summary before the sexuality, race relations and freak-outs. The entire film is pretty much all three rolled into a delicious sexy inter-racial freak-out.
We begin with shots of the NYC skyline (no twin towers, did the director have some information in 1989 that we don’t?) There are some rad synths appropriating spooky moans, and you know you’re in for a treat. A clunky name comes on screen, Maria Conchita Alonso aka the luckiest female Edward James Olmos alive, as she got to share the silver screen with Arnie in The Running Man and Cage in this! Making Venezuela proud!
The movie opens with some barely intelligible mumbling, something about getting a woman coffee. Cut to Nic lying on a therapist’s couch pouring his heart out
What a natural normal way to sit, holding your face by the nose like a waiter about to lift a lid off of a fancy dish! He eventually rolls toward the camera and gives the full face
Does he do this in every movie? Is it in the contract that his face has to be somewhat obscured then dramatically revealed in the first 30 seconds? Anyway another important thing to notice is this performance falls smack dab in the middle of what I like to call his silly voice years. Clearly the director was afraid of him, he’s pretty much doing whatever the fuck he wants in this movie, and that includes deciding to pronounce words so that you becomes yeeeeewwww. Someone described it as a shitty Zoolander impersonation and I’d say that’s about right. It’s not on the level of his voice in Peggy Sue Got Married but it’s in the neighbourhood. He goes to a very diverse bar, great care is given to displaying jolly inter-racial couples (including black men with white women, which never happens in movies, even today, Hitch was supposed to be Will Smith and Cameron Diaz but they had to recast because America wasn’t ready) Nic picks up a woman from the bar, takes her home, sexy times, but who should interrupt?
Yup. A floating obese hairy piglet. There is ZERO chance that creature gets off the ground. He shoos it away, excuse me, sheeeeeeeeews it away. The girl flees, he looks over his shoulder and gives a really coy, demure, come-hither look and brushes his hair out of his face.
This is a compilation of, contrary to the title of the youtube clip, SOME of the best scenes. The sheewing and the sexy bat look are included. He goes to work, is a weird jerk to his secretary. Then goes to therapy and talks about how that weird moment with the bat was arousing. He makes sure to mention that while he was previously in the throes of passion with a woman, he lost his erection “in
mortal combat [ed: even though it’s right, that just looks wrong] mortal kombat with a bat” but then wow, it totally came back. The therapist and I both make this face when he tries to change the subject. MORE BAT AROUSAL!
He meets Jennifer Beals in a bar, right up there with Phoebe Cates as far as babes of the 80s are concerned. How to win her heart? Oh, I’d probably go with a completely naturalistic introduction, maybe ask her to explain a joke someone else made, compliment her earrings, introduce yourself and shake her hand in a completely normal way. Or, you know, hold your hand out like you’re the pope and you need your ring kissed. Either option.
She is charmed, but oh shit, Vampire! She bites him, but… totally worth it.
He now goes back to the therapist and doesn’t want to talk about the bat boner. Explains it away with one of the finer lines of the movie “I guess I was pretty horny, keyed up. Drunk. Plus I was horny” From the woman, not from the flying hairy muppet worm. Mind your BIZ therapist! She makes the same rad face. He’s going along with his new life, there is a mime couple outside miming dancing, followed by domestic abuse. Foreshadowing?
My that female mime has the shoulders of a swimmer. Or perhaps more accurately, the shoulders of Nic Cage after doing those upside down prison pushups in Con Air.
They replay the EXACT same scene of Beals sucking his blood, maybe Beals did something inappropriate during the love scene and Nic didn’t want to submit himself to more ball-brushes or inappropriate tugging.
We descend into some insane freaking out at work that I’ll get to later, Nic smokes what looks to me like a louisville slugger disguised as a cigarette. Maybe it’s just the way that 0% of it is actually in his mouth. Again the lesson from Nic Cage movies: Smoking. Looks cool. Is cool.
He freaks out some more (that famous nic cage losing his shit video, goes to the Vampire’s Kiss well early and often) He nonchalantly picks up a woman’s desk toy stuffed animal thing and throws it in the garbage, she comments “what an eccentric”. You can just say asshole, he’s not in the room anymore. Lots more freaking out, screams at his latina secretary Alva, chases her into the womens bathroom screaming at her (she’s supposed to find some file) and later he and his bosses laugh about his enthusiasm for filing. She calls in sick, he goes to her house, lures her in with chicken soup and a truce, then breaks out the cunt-bomb on the cab ride back. The ol chicken-soup/cunt switcheroo, got to keep your secretary on her toes!
I’m going to stop saying freaking out, because that’s the whole rest of the movie. He’s in the bathroom (mens this time) and there is some amazing extra work being done by a man ostensibly shitting. Except this man is basically tap dancing, bouncing his shoes around. Very weird. He hears Cage carrying on, and drops another great line “I’m trying to take a dump, so take your acting lessons back home, or go back into the ladies room” Sensible advice dancing pooper, sensible advice.
After a sexual assault on Alva, he tries to shoot himself, but oops just blanks. Maybe I’ll do something with my hair?
I think Javier Bardem saw this haircut before No Country For Old Men. He buys some plastic vampire teeth that look great, hits a night club (apparently in NYC all you have to do to get in is punch the one ponytailed bouncer in the stomach once and just run in. He definitely won’t follow you in and beat the shit out of the idiot with vampire teeth.) There is a ridiculous montage of women dancing, I guess it’s supposed to be their necks looking tempting but it’s really just 45 seconds of big 80s boobs with their necks sort of in frame up at the top somewhere. Got to pay the piper, give something for the fellas what with all the pre-R Pattinson sexy vampire action for the ladies.
He murders a woman through some very persistent throat biting (Patrick Swayze from Roadhouse would have been in and out of there in 2 seconds [relevant throat action at 3:12]) How does he select his prey? Well, apparently in 1989 if you wanted to do some cocaine you just chilled by yourself with a little vial in plain sight. Doing blow off the toilet seat is so 21st century, in the 80s they had a little thing called class.
He runs into Beals post murder, and Beals bails, says she’s not a vampire. Hurtful! He runs around a bunch, meanwhile Alva’s bro finds out about the… rape? Brother and sister have a rad stakeout outside his place waiting for the rapist to come home! It looks like exactly as much fun as this. (is there anything better than 90s Rosie?) He comes home, walks into a wall (he actually really sells it, I think he probably hurt himself) talks to his therapist but nope it’s just a wall. He confesses to the rape and murder, she says it’s just a little id release, nothing to worry about. She hooks him up with another patient named Sharon, a very sexy name, yet she’s in a turtleneck.
This is his relieved face after he finds out his rape has been excused. So he walks to his apartment dragging his big wooden stake (earlier he was asking randoms to kill him, NBD) then he starts grabbing his cock, calling Sharon a C you next Tuesday and goes into his coffin (his black sofa upside-down). Alva’s bro comes in, tells him to get up, Nic holds the stake over his stomach, Alva’s bro obliges and pushes down, killing him. Happy ending though, he gets to picture this as he dies.
On to the rankings:
Nic Cage Sexuality: 6/10. There is this, from his pre-vampire times:
Mmmm… sexy armpit. There is some weird contortion he does where he manages to get his foot into this shot too. Flexibility, the mark of a creepy lover. Not to mention the bat arousal. He also creeps on Alva while she’s ironing in high waisted jeans (love those) and a weird bra, and then there is the rape scene. She says “please don’t rape me” and while it didn’t seem like it was his intention while chasing her around, he just wanted his filing done, he decides it sounds like a good idea. Although he just slaps her and then kisses her once while she’s out cold, and all her clothes are still on. But it’s referred to as a rape by her, and him, so hey, rape. Frankly I’m happy to be spared the gnarly legs forced apart debacle of the last movie. As far as rapists that kiss you once and leave your clothes on go, you could do worse than this:
Hey he feels bad! So she waits a couple days before telling her bro. There’s also the scene with Beals (or, what seems more likely, a body double with fake boobs, go back and look at what’s going on with that weird squished breast). Mostly the sexuality marks come from that fuck me eyes look he deploys at the bat.
Nic Cage Race Relations: 8/10. He’s hanging out at the bar with his two bros
But then he’s not interested in their finance chat or jokes. Racist? NO! he goes on to the NAACP award winning Jennifer Beals! Also his first love interest is African American:
AND SHE HAS THE BEST FUCKING TASTE IN HATS OF ALLLLL TIME
Even though he dogs her and ditches her in the museum after dropping “I gotta take a piss”. Then when she calls him and puts him on blast he replies (to his empty apartment) with “fuck you sister”. Not cool bro. Later on when he’s freaking out about a crucifix, he gives his groceries to a black guy.
Can’t really give him full marks for that though, had to dock one actually, that gentleman is well to do, he’s clearly an athlete with leather sleeves and it’s offensive to assume he needs your groceries, jerk. Although maybe he plays in the NCAA aka is a slave and can’t get paid, so maybe it’s not so bad? Anyway , lots of diversity in this movie. His treatment of his latina secretary is absolutely shocking however, when he’s trying to be nice and relatable he tells her he’s been weird because he was on mescalin. Rude to assume latinas are familiar with hallucinogens, except she says “oh I did that once in high school” Oh, casual high school use of one of the most powerful hallucinogens in the world. NBD. It’s also not really that common! Maybe down Venezuela way. but at least she got hired! He also buys his fake teeth from an 80s classic, the inscrutable asian occult store! I think this is where Hoyt Axton bought the Gremlins! So lots of diversity, not too nice to some of them… but he’s not really nice to anyone. Equality!
Nic Cage Freakouts: 10/10. Tempting to give it something stupid like 17/10 but I don’t believe in marks higher than 100%. This movie… I’ll just let these pictures speak for me:
OH AND HE EATS A FUCKING ROACH. FOR REAL. A REAL ROACH. HE ATE IT. FOR THIS STUPID FUCKING MOVIE.
That is his “maybe this method acting shit is kind of stupid” face.
Just watch that clip of the best scenes from the movie again, they’re all the freakout scenes. I can’t even… I can’t even begin to describe them. His performance… again the director must have been terrified of him, or Cage refused to do more than one take. That picture of him with the teeth is him prowling for a victim in the club. The eyes.. is from this scene. I can’t even…. I can’t…
Just watch it.
Overall 7/10. The movie would be fucking terrible with anyone else. It’s really weird and wouldn’t be terribly thrilling, it’s just about a crazy person. But Cage elevates it into something beautiful. It’s too long (hour and 43 minutes) but the experience is like soccer… lots of slow buildup with glorious highs. Recommend!